Friday, March 26, 2010

the pain was real

I sit here on a cold & snowy Friday morning in March. Lots of things to be to do. However, I am brought a place in my heart a little over a year ago.

After the loss of our 2nd child, the fertility struggle was more than I was prepared for. I had become a recluse - for those of you that know me, that is the farthest from the 'real' me. I was tired of 'hoping' every month only to be disappointed. I felt bad having so many tears. Joel was more of my therapist than my husband. He had to step into a new role in that season.

I remember hearing friends tell me they would pray and remember us each night before bed. It encouraged me. It made me smile to know there were others who understood.

I think it's important to note that while our prayer was answered with a little bundle of pudge called Leland...the pain we experienced is not forgotten. The prayers those of you prayed for us will never be forgotten. I look at our life and stand grateful. Not just for an answered prayer. But, for the ability to now relate with a heap of women around the globe who ache for a child...who dread church-going on Mother's Day...who find Mommy groups annoying. I get it.

If you ever find someone who has this advice to you is not in what 'words' to speak. Rather; Pray. For in prayer there comes change.


Geri said...

I am so very sorry that you had to go through such a painful time. You have my love and prayers. But now look at the beautiful bundle of joy you have now, Enjoy every minute, Blessings to you and your family

ejn28 said...

well said, jessica. i love your tender way of expression. it is such a real pain (i've experienced it too) that is so hard to understand for others. i think it is also important to point out that there are some that struggle with the Lord never answering their prayers for a child, and that even through that He is still good. so much of our thoughts about the goodness of God depend on what we see as the way he interacts with us. His love for us is just as intangible sometimes as the pain we experience in miscarriage and infertility. to say He is good despite what we see is key to a faith built on the truth of Him, not us.

JMillerFam said...

very true. It's a tough nut to crack, isn't it?

I remember thinking my heart would NEVER be capable of trusting UNTIL my prayer was answered. That basis of faith is integral.