Monday, November 8, 2010

words = life

It's been a nutty couple of days.  Not in a busy sort of way. 

Just these emotions.  A year ago almost to the day I was bringing home my little Leland.  I was nursing him every 45 minutes.  I was tired.  I was weepy.  I was overjoyed.

Now, I'm tired but filled with a gratitude for my life and for the gracious wisdom of the doctors who handled my case last Thursday.

One of the physicians assistants remembered us from last year.  She was this stoic woman with glasses and dark hair.  She kind of had that 'cool' nerd sort of look.  Her smile was kind and it so surprised me to hear that she remembered Joel and I. 

I was emotional before surgery.  Many things flying through my mind.

She came to me with kindness in her eyes and told me, "I've been pregnant 7 times in the last 7 years....and only have 2 kids at home....I understand where you're at and it sucks."

I looked in her face and tears streamed down.  Hers and mine.  She got it.  She understood me.  Her words were the last I remembered before the medicine put me to sleep.  Her hands on mine reassuring me were the last I felt before waking up. 

Yesterday, I got a call from my OB.  He had been out of town during this ordeal.  He wanted to assure me the decisions made over my case were the exact ones he would have made.  He also told me not to worry about future conceiving and simply told me, 'Your going to get that next baby if you should so desire...please don't fret over it." 

I was filled with peace.  Funny thing is we weren't even trying for a baby.  I just wasn't ready for the 'choice' of ever having a baby again to be taken from me. 

I'm doing better today.  I'm reminded of how powerful words really are...

Thanks for all your kind words and prayers.  We have felt such love these last few days.  It means more than I can articulate.

I'm also pretty grateful for this guy - who has not let me lift a finger but has gotten every sip of water....snack...meal...before I could even ask for it.  He has fluffed my pillow....picked out ANOTHER netflix movie...wiped a whole lot of tears...snuggled me close...and been my best friend.  Love you baby...


Blessed Mamma said...

Thinking of you friend, and wishing I could be there to watch a girlie movie with you while we snacked on something yummy. And I praise God for that physician's assistant...what a gift.

jess said...

oh man, you're making me cry - at work - not good, but so good all at once! praying for you a lot these last few days :)

Matt and Sarah said...

My heart breaks for you. I can't say I know exactly what you are going through, but I know the desperate ache to hold your child, the tears, the emotions, the cries to God. I'm praying for you. Praying for continual emotional and physical healing!

JMillerFam said...

Thanks everyone for reading//caring//praying....means a great deal!