34wk check up this morning.
Leland held my hand and we walked towards the fountain....I had stocked up on plenty of pennies for him to throw in. His sweaty little hand gripped them and he clenched his baby blues while making a wish....probably for goldfish crackers or to one day meet Elmo.
I sipped my tea and enjoyed seeing the sunlight dance over him through the skylit windows. It was such a beautiful start to a gorgeous morning.
The only care in the world....was getting this baby turned and getting him in our favorite 'head down' position before birth.
We waited for my doctor to greet us and give us her thoughts and plans. He's still transverse and she filled me with hope reminding me of my excellent history and the various 'natural methods' utilizing gravity to get him in the right spot.
I walked out after feeling some hope and went to book my final ultrasound at the ultrasound room. Right next to that room is the fertility center. Immediately, the images from 2007-2009 flooded my mind. Waiting, calling, being placed on hold, checking for follicles, waiting for new meds to force my body to do what I had always expected it to do on its own....waiting in a room with other women who were walking a similar road of shame and disappointment.
After being told to wait at the little window as some sort of emergency came up with a patient, I held onto Leland and we waited. I couldn't help but notice the ultrasound physician in the back of the room looking at a screen and shaking his head. He and a nurse whispered discretely....except loud enough for me to hear....'There's no heartbeat, I will come in and speak with her." Just a few minutes later, a young woman about a year or two younger than myself came out with watermelon tears flooding her cheeks...and I remembered. That horrible day. That horrible thing. That horrible end. You feel unable to breathe yet all you can do is think about every 'what if'....
An immediate perspective change of mine drew my heart to pray for this girl...that she'd just know her pain would eventually subside in time...and as empty as she felt in that moment, that she was most certainly not alone.