it's starting....

that feeling.  that lump in my throat as I feel the change in our family coming.

We looked at our Leland like our 'baby' for so long and we're seeing him grow, obviously....but we didn't expect to watch him turn into a big brother.  I've been showing him pictures of newborns my friends are having...his sweet little response is always, 'Aw cute baby, Mommy, huh?"

I day dream of the moment we introduce these guys to the new kid on the block.  I can already feel the tears starting as we add another lad to the ranks...

While I know this baby will grab my heart in a minute....and will have it forever...I can't help but feel that wierd guilt feeling.  That 'I hope my boys know THEY are still so special' even though I have to sacrifice so much for this little helpless newbie.  My Jude is strong and patient.  His hands are already busy with play and helping his little bro out but my Leland...he will need to learn, understand & probably through much frustration exercise the ability of patience and waiting.  That's hard.

I keep reminding myself that we're giving him a wonderful gift in all of this too.
A brother and a friend.
A person who will look up to him and will care about his opinion.
A person who will celebrate his success and be there for him through the tougher times.

It's only natural and I know these emotions are completely normal - they just hurt too.  My eyes well up with tears so easily at the thought my Leland holding his little brother.  What will his first words to him be?  Will he be scared to drop him?  Will he accidentally drop him?

Either way, I'm walking out each of these emotions...crying tears when they come, cuddling both sons a little extra each night and simply praying for the most beautiful transition.  I know it will be just that. beautiful.

 

Lego Store date with Jude and Lee

my little guy building a mini of his own

Jude getting intense as he tried to pick an item within the budget....decision decisions....

shopping bags in hand....happy little boys

perspective

34wk check up this morning.

Leland held my hand and we walked towards the fountain....I had stocked up on plenty of pennies for him to throw in.  His sweaty little hand gripped them and he clenched his baby blues while making a wish....probably for goldfish crackers or to one day meet Elmo. 

I sipped my tea and enjoyed seeing the sunlight dance over him through the skylit windows.  It was such a beautiful start to a gorgeous morning.

The only care in the world....was getting this baby turned and getting him in our favorite 'head down' position before birth.

We waited for my doctor to greet us and give us her thoughts and plans.  He's still transverse and she filled me with hope reminding me of my excellent history and the various 'natural methods' utilizing gravity to get him in the right spot.

I walked out after feeling some hope and went to book my final ultrasound at the ultrasound room.  Right next to that room is the fertility center.  Immediately, the images from 2007-2009 flooded my mind.  Waiting, calling, being placed on hold, checking for follicles, waiting for new meds to force my body to do what I had always expected it to do on its own....waiting in a room with other women who were walking a similar road of shame and disappointment.

After being told to wait at the little window as some sort of emergency came up with a patient, I held onto Leland and we waited.  I couldn't help but notice the ultrasound physician in the back of the room looking at a screen and shaking his head.  He and a nurse whispered discretely....except loud enough for me to hear....'There's no heartbeat, I will come in and speak with her."  Just a few minutes later, a young woman about a year or two younger than myself came out with watermelon tears flooding her cheeks...and I remembered.  That horrible day.  That horrible thing.  That horrible end. You feel unable to breathe yet all you can do is think about every 'what if'....

An immediate perspective change of mine drew my heart to pray for this girl...that she'd just know her pain would eventually subside in time...and as empty as she felt in that moment, that she was most certainly not alone. 

Easy to get stuck in our own world....with how busy we get but it is ever so humbling to take a trip outside of ourselves momentarily to ground our hearts, settle our worries and choose to thank instead of consistently wish circumstances were different.  Purpose finds its way throughout all of life....even down those very difficult and treacherous paths.

day dreaming

So like 17 people in my life gave birth last week.

Ok that's exaggerating a tad.

More like 4 but that's STILL alot.  NOT to mention it happens to be a week where its EVERYONE's birthday....

Makes you wonder why everyone was gettin' busy 9 months ago?  ;-)

I'm nearing that 9th month.  My baby boy is snug as a bug in a placenta.  He's getting intense with the movement and pretty much anytime I want him to move for someone, I can get him going.  He's not a fan of me lying on my side when sleeping so he tends to shove and punch and we're getting to the point where those sweet little butterflies feel more like intense physical trauma.  I'm thrilled he's growing and active, though.  It's truly all that matters to me.

With the influx of facebook & instagram photographs of all these sweet newbies, I'm finding myself day dreaming about my guy.  Summer lovin' with 3 cuties to care for....grilling out...walks to the park & lots of breastfeeding.  ;-)

During most of 2011, I spent the year eating a plant-based diet  -  a simple exercise to see if it would relieve endometriosis symptoms.  It most certainly did - in fact, my body (who has previously needed some help conceiving) found it no problem at all to make this little guy.

Since we found out, I've stuck to mainly vegetarian and it's worked well.  I'm getting excited about this summer's fresh foods, CSA programs, and some new ideas on how to get nutrients into my men and me without fussing over it too terribly.  I'm thinking smoothies will be our summer go-to for a few reasons:
1-When you breastfeed, you're thirstier than ever
2-You can hide loads of veggies in them and the kids never notice.

Here is a great recipe and one I am excited to make over and over....such a fan of blueberries around here and think this one will be so energizing while the sleepless summer nights are upon us.  ENJOY!

Blueberry Acai Smoothie

vegan, serves 2 adults

1 1/2 cups Almond milk

1 1/2 frozen bananas

1 cup frozen blueberries

1 cup frozen strawberries

1 acai frozen smoothie pak OR 1 cup acai juice

*if you use the juice, remove 1/2 cup of the soy milk

3/4 cup ice

woven

Nearing 34 weeks - with a mere 6 weeks or less til we meet you. 

You're silly in there. You move about at strange times.  You wake up when Daddy's alarm sounds and when you're up, you're up. 

You're the littlest brother and your big bros are gearing up for you best they can understand how.  

We're trying to create a comfy spot for you and know you will fit it just right.  Our house is not large.  Our cars are not expensive.  Our family vacations are simple.

I know those things will not matter in the least.  You will simply need.  Need alot.  I am excited to be your Mom, be who you need.  I am also thrilled to watch you slip into line with 2 of the most handsome and charming sons a Mom could imagine having. 

Our love is rich.  Our marriage is cared for.  Our home is ready. 

I thought of you last night - the lessons you will teach me.  You're my third son, my surprise, my gift. I'm anticipating that euphoric moment where our eyes meet and that cry is first heard.  I can picture what you might look like...and how I will instantly be in love.  

For now I simply pray that you are healthy and strong and growing.  I pray you will enter this world in safety.  While I've not gotten all the details together of your every possible material need, I am ready to love you, feed you, hold you, and sing to you.  I know those are the basics and we look forward to lavishing you with love. 

Your brothers are coloring you pictures. 

Your Daddy is working hard so he can have sweet time with you. 

I'm enjoying these moments that are just ours for now. 

I want to never forget how you move, what you respond to and how it feels to grow along with you. 

Every Mommy to be complains a bit about the process but truly, it's such an honor to house you. To know you so closely yet still wonder who you are. 

We await.  We pray.  

Loving you so much already...

Mommy

poster sold here

just the 4 of us

Our weekends of 'just us 4' are drawing closer to an end.  With a potential 5-7 weeks left before this baby comes, I'm trying to savor.

This weekend was so lovely....instead of paragraph descriptions...here are some photos we took:

Did makeup for this lovely bride on her wedding day - she is the little sis of my BFF from 6th grade....amazing how it still felt like we were all 10-12 years old again.  

Lots of time spent feeling little mister move and move...and Leland tried to touch him through my belly button.  ;-) 

These two spent at least an hour or two 'playing guitars' together.  It became apparent how interested our Lee is into music.  

Jude got to attend a super fun laser tag birthday party with sweet friends - how rad is this cake! 

Making homemade bread made me feel like a good Mom & wife. 

Leland got some 'drum' time in a with a little buddy.  I am enjoying watching his social skills soar. He's turning into a sweet friend. 

Both boys fell in love with a little baby goose our friends are caring for - and have asked at least 4 times if we can get one too.  ;-) 

Sweet weekend - Time with friends - Restful Sabbath 

Hope your Monday is off to a lovely start!  We're washing itty bitty baby clothes today. ;-) 

slowin' it down....

Ended a 2 year mini-career working a part time job for my church last week. While it was a blessing of a position, I am so eager to get back to domestic living once again.  That position combined with the random makeup & bridal world was turning into close to 25-32 hours per week. With 8 weeks left in this pregnancy and the energy levels only decreasing, I am glad to have WAY less on my plate.

Already noticing my home is different.
Already noticing that we've had a homecooked meal every night this week.
Laundry is caught up and the house isn't tornado-esque right now.

Amazing when life comes into balance and you make choices that allow for downtime, laughter & sincere moments you'd otherwise be paying someone else to have with your children.  (As a Mom who has worked outside the home, sometimes this can't be avoided and that sacrifice is beautiful too!)

I'm savoring these moments with my 2nd, Leland.  He's under the assumption that we ALL have babies in our bellies (himself included) and the reality will most certainly set in come June.  I'm just enjoying him, letting him cuddle a little bit more & letting him enjoy me all to himself.

We've geared up our oldest for the fun summer he and his little brother will have while Mommy focuses on growing the new baby.  Jude wanted to be clear that I'm breastfeeding again (He's a bit of a lactivist himself) and I assured him I would.  He told me he'd play legos with Lee while I would feed the baby or play catch outside.  I love that he's thinking ahead and we're really trying our best to praise him for that act of selflessness.

Hope you're able to make time for downtime....I'm relishing it right now and feeling so grateful.

my sweeties about to go and spend Easter $$$ from Grandma & Grandpa. 

going a li'l DIY: tie-dye eggs

So excited to give these a whirl with my guys this week (care of Armelle blog) - I did not grow up decorating eggs so this is still a tad new to me but I want a tradition that brings us eye level with one another....and if anyone wants our eggs after Easter, they are yours!  After getting sick on them about 18 months ago, I cannot stomach hard boiled eggs any more! Here are the step by step instructions if you want to try them too!

Hope your week is holy, happy & kept sacred....I know it's not about the eggs but what the days ahead truly mean.  Hope you celebrate that truth and love one another in acceptance of it.

xoxo,

Jessica

photos courtesy of Caroline Armelle