moments

Joel and I have been craving downtime.

Not sure if it's the wedding season, intense time with adding a new baby, lack of sleep, etc.

I have been enjoying our early Saturday morning times...breakfast made and cleaned up, still sipping our coffee and getting cozy in a book or magazine.  Lately, I've noticed Leland's desire to play music with Joel on a regular basis.  Sometimes Joel will play piano while Lee plays his toy guitar....other times Leland will listen to Joel and quietly enjoy...and sometimes they play simultaneously.  It's becoming a part of our weekend I try not to miss.

We're literally watching our son's gifts and interests flourish before our eyes....it's so completely evident the love this child will have for music and singing.

I could keep writing on and on but watch this - look how sweet his attention is toward his Dad.  *cherishing* *relishing* *savoring*

never alone

Been reminded as of late how vital human vulnerability is.

When one person shares openly and regardless of what the other might have to respond with.  It's scary and risky and so worth it.

When Jude was a newborn, we were filled with fear and newness and fear and intense love but also fear.  I told no one.  I wanted no one to know I was falling and falling into a deep sad place.

This post partum season has truly taken me by surprise....with such an easy start followed by days of frustration, tears and confusion.  Why won't my baby grow?

I found myself lying to strangers about his age just to avoid the 'Really, he's that old....gee he's tiny!' response I kept getting.  What was worse was when women would call their friends over, 'Come see how tiny this baby is....he's already 10 weeks...look how small!'  *heartbreaking*

While this post is not to describe how ignorant humans can be, it just must be said.  People are sometimes the absolute worst.

Still, what redeems it all are those moments when a friend tells you about her experience, holds your hand, whispers a prayer over your baby or simply offers to go to your next appointment with you.  Also, when a parent offers to be with your other child while you attend a vital appointment that would otherwise be massively distracting.  I am simply overcome. With all this love.

My baby will be fine.  They are running tests on his blood, doing a swallow study and a possible sweat test but all the while the doctor keeps telling us what my OB told me all along....'Your boy is busy!'  Too busy to eat and too busy to hold onto those calories.

The upside is he has continuously gained now for a straight 4 weeks....good news!  So, we're just pouring out our love, making him laugh and feeding him like its our job because it IS our job, a very very full time job.

Thankful for a husband who is by my side and for family and friends who have encouraged, prayed, taken my older kids, etc.  It's such an easy thing to want to hide in what seems like our failures....but not as easy as it is to walk through hard stuff knowing you have friends pulling you along, delivering a meal or dessert....heart is so full and our love is so rich for each of you.

Thank you!

xoxo

Jess & Baby Simon
Here's my little 'failing to thrive' baby...haha!  hardly!

expectations

this Mommy thing is so hard.

Yet so completely gratifying and beautiful.  I feel the sway between those two adjectives on a daily and sometimes hourly basis.

On one hand, I'm so enjoying this newborn stage with the cooing, sweet cuddles and hugs from big brothers that are never lacking.  On the other, I have struggled with letting go...truly surrendering some of what I thought it would be like to welcome a third into our family.

I guess the best advice every Mom should hear (regardless of how many children she has) is that no matter how good at the Mothering you get...there will be a new challenge with each child...one you will need help with, one you will google about, and one that will keep you up at night hoping you made the right choice in its solution.

In a way, so much of mothering is simply defined as hope.  Hope that your child knows that your every move is bathed in love, prayed over in wisdom & made with the counsel of others.  Perhaps our choices are wrong or perhaps on graduation day, it will not have even mattered much.

In the end, no one really knows how much you wish, hope and worry as a parent until you become responsible for another life.

This season has brought intense laughter & tears...I've been both on the happy end and a deeply sad end....but I've appreciated coming back to the realization that this time is a season and to try and remember it that way.  I loved this blog post by a friend - her words filled my own heart with grace....grace on myself.

Ironically, Joel's birthday gift to me of 31 love letters in 31 days....has been a breath of fresh air that I've been able to hold onto.  I feel like it makes me want to speak loving words to others all the more often....knowing the power those words really do have.

xoxo...happy Monday!