Wednesday, June 13, 2012

evolution of Leland

There was this moment I had recently.

It was during labor actually.

I was in the tub.  It was before things got uber intense.

I thought about how the last time I held, kissed & hugged my 2nd born...Leland Ryan I didn't realize that by the next time I'd see him, he'd be the middle kid.  Not the baby.

I cried.
I remembered his birth.
I remembered thanking God for giving him to us.  (here come the tears again)

Then it was different.  He was the middle son, a big brother and no longer the baby of the family.

In the first few days, I noticed my blood pressure rise a bit.  He was simply being himself yet I needed him to be different.  I needed him to be older, more responsible and to maybe even start helping me.  I could tell I got impatient and I probably expected too much too soon.

When those moments were available, I'd grab him in my lap and hug him like I always did....and I could tell when he'd lean back into me like he always felt normal for him.

Guilt ensued.  How do I explain such a change to such a young child?  It was so tough in moments where he whined or needed something that I just couldn't always get it right then....or when he'd flip out when everyone in the room offered to help him put on his shoes but he only wanted Mommy to do it.

So hard.

Well, days have passed - we're closing in on 3 wks since baby Simon joined us...and at a recent story time at the library, I saw something in Leland for the first time.  I saw him really growing up, interacting, being brave and courageous....I started to see a preschool-aged child unfolding out of my toddler-esque boy....

On one hand I LOVED seeing that progression and how he could join Jude in so many more activities....and on the other hand, I missed his little body always sitting in my lap wanting to 'sungle' (aka snuggle)

While I'm so proud of his growth, I'm definitely trying to squeeze in sometime with just him and of course, time with just my Jude.  This is part of those dynamics....the ones I expected but they always feel different emotionally when you are aware they are coming vs. when you are right in the middle of them....

I guess that's how everything in life is, right.  Once you walk through change, it's always a bit different than to be expected.  It's good.  It reminds me that I can't be in control of it all. 

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