Monday, January 5, 2015

{choosing} to encourage my own heart

Oh this little bloggy blog.

I haven't touched it in a year and while I am perfectly ok with all the true and realistic reasons as to why -  I was so motivated to write this morning.  Not because of what anyone will think or say but simply because I need to channel the Jessica a few years ahead of me.  The one who will tell me 'Hey you're going to get through this season....and you'll look back and see it when you get to where I am now."

I told this very thing to Joel last night.  Thinking back to that girl who wanted and ached to be pregnant a second time and watched that little firstborn play all on his own, with guilty little demons plaguing me. Here I am now - after giving him siblings.  Those worries are the furthest from my mind.

I swear life is simply a series of a race that we must choose to enjoy.  Or rather enjoy who we race beside as there will be so many times when it will seem pointless. Like lets just bail and go to brunch.  (thoughts I had several times during my actual race)

Just wrapped up Simon's umpteenth speech therapy visit - I loved that his therapist took notes and clapped at his imitation and his improved eye contact. I love that she got so many hugs from him and he said, 'Huggggg!' like a million times....and I loved that he's listening to her and really trying to do what she is asking of him.  Honestly, though, I just want to talk to my little boy already.  I want to hear him say 'Mama Juice' or even yell at his brothers.  I don't know why we're not moving through this as fast as I'd like to but it's just such slow progress.  I don't do well with slow progress.  I'm a list check-er-offer....I set the timer for 60 minutes once a day and do a mad dash clean.  I like to 'get it done' and to be in control.  Perhaps Simon's life was preserved through all hes been through to teach us just that....being in control doesn't even truly exist.  I'm trying to remember who is and that I'm safer with Him at the helm.

I encourage my own heart in writing this that hes come so far.  From the 9lb 3 month old who I felt utter and complete failure over as his Mom.  I mean, here we are, he is 40lbs and eating food like its his favorite past time (which it very well may be)  That hurdle was a tough one - and we made it. 

I share this to write it out - perhaps one day I'll revisit it and remember how hard this was amidst Simon talking my ear off.  I keep imagining it happening and hear and seeing him thrive in his little life.  For now I'm trying to keep up the work our therapist has for us to do.  I'm covering him in healing essential oils....praying for him....and reading to him.  Joel sings to him and plays guitar with him...and his brothers play and protect and tickle him.  If there is one thing I am so certain of in Simons little two and half years of life, it is he so well loved.  He is so protected by his entire family and his thanks to us for all that comes in the form of his smile, his hugs and one day....his words. 

Keep him in your prayers {I know MANY of you do already} but it would do my heart so good to know he is prayed for and lifted up by any and all who might read this.   Will end it here.  He wants to eat again.  <3 br="">



Anonymous said...

Jess, Was touched by your blog. And know Simon is lifted in prayer, and one day he will speak. I can't wait to hear him say Titi Nani. Love u all

Anonymous said...


I have learned over the years that life presents us with 'seasons' some are pure bliss and joy, others can and do shake us to the core. I have felt the sting of financial ruin, where bankruptcy, welfare and food stamps were my shameful means to provide, you see as man I was taught to work and take care of the family and for that season in my life I was unable to. Jess
I cried out to the Lord many many times, asking why, the years went on, a job was found and a career was carved out and this season was over.

But you see the answer of Why? would not be clear until years later, when I saw others where I was; now I understood, now my heart understood, now I could help, because you see I wore those shoes.

Life had been wonderful for many seasons, but darkest found a foothold
into my life, I didn't see it coming anxiety, depression and fear was all I knew... I though I was losing my mind. I cried out to the Lord and he appeared to be silent, weeks, and months went by without a glimmer of hope.

Just when I though I could no longer take this, people came into my life, to give me Life, to renew my soul.
Strangers ministered to me with words, Love and Compassion that only God could have orchestrated. Healing was not quick, I wanted it quick but it would not be so. It was a process of re-learning to trust in the divinity of our Lord but healing did come.

I can't say why I went through that season, I sure didn't want it. But now I understand that dark cloud of anxiety, fear and depression.
One day I may be able to help someone who is going through it.

You said it well, control truly does not exist. I have to agree, you see age and wisdom has taught me, that although at the moment we may not see, understand or comprehend the Why of the season; Gods unfailing Love will somehow, someway give you the strength to handle it.

So Yes, You are safer with Him at the helm.

My precious Mom who I loved so dearly, who understood these seasons very well, as she had seen many in her own life. Would hold me in her arms and loving tell me these words; ' This too shall pass'

You are loved more than you'll know my Jess!